Chapter 25 - Broken

Ever feel broken beyond repair? Is there hope for us? Will we get to see good times? I don't have answers but I have opinions.


I apologize in advance if I say anything that offends anyone. I didn't want to create a never-ending twitter thread. I just wanted to use my tiny platform to write about how I feel. If you don't want to read the whole thing, I'll summarize it for you: be kind, be safe, be polite. Don't discriminate, don't be racist, don't hurt others. If you cannot say or do something positive, please don't do anything. It's better to do nothing than doing something negative.


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Ever feel like you are being gravitated towards the ground because of how heavy your chest is? Like you cannot sit up anymore, you can only be found in a horizontal position, with a side smile (mostly fake)? So sick to your stomach that you never want to get out of bed?


That's how most of the world has been feeling. I obviously do not speak on behalf of everyone but I have been observing for a little while and everyone is broken. Whether we like to admit it or not, we all put on a face to let everyone know we’re doing okay and to maintain social presence perhaps. But have we really checked in with ourselves? How are we really doing?

Because the world isn’t a pretty place right now. I cannot begin to describe in words the level of anxiety, depression, disgust, sadness and hatred I’m feeling at the moment with everything going on in the world. A pandemic is not a fun place to be in, lockdowns are not friends with depression, quarantine doesn’t help with anxiety. To top it all off, racism is at its peak and certain people in my country borderline doesn't believe that there's a global pandemic going on.  


Everyday that I read the news, I get more and more scared to even think “how much worse can things get” because I am done. I am exhausted. I really am done challenging God, I’m done challenging Presidents who think they are Gods, I’m done challenging humans who think they are immune to the virus, I’m done challenging monsters who think they can walk all over people and cause more trouble. I‘m done. How has it been so hard to practice kindness? You have been locked at home, but when you go out, you decide to be a monster? HOW.


How has it been 6 months into this year, yet people have not learned kindness. How has a pandemic that can wipe the earth clean, not brought common sense to people? How are people still racist????? How do people think it’s the right time to start a fight? How do people sleep at night knowing they have hurt someone? How do people believe that their actions don’t affect others? 


I can very easily sit behind my screen, and type away saying we don't need racism during a pandemic. End racism. But I am realizing that this is something that is unfortunately, never-ending. I recognize my privilege, I am both grateful and ashamed of my privilege. How am I meant to be sleeping peacefully at night knowing that I have something that others don't. Only because I live in a different country, and I have a different skin-tone? How is that fair? 


For all the Pakistani's (Indians/Bangladeshis - basically south asians) that are trying to make this about them - I don't care if we were picked on for being brown, okay? I don't care if another ethnicity thought that we didn't matter. Please do not belittle this movement just because you want to bring the attention to yourself. EVERYTHING MATTERS. Everything will always matter. Everyone will always matter. But now is not your time to make it about you and put out posts saying 'where was everyone when brown people were picked on'. It is not the time and place. Please understand that.


At this point, I am not sure what I'm writing about but I know I am hurt. Deeply hurt. By several things but this is the one thing that has been on my mind. Every TV channel, every social media platform, every conversation consists of this tragedy. What hit me the most, is the episode of Amadou Diallo on the Netflix show called 'Trial by Media' - which showcased how he was brutally murdered in 1999. It's been 21 years, nothing has changed. There are a lot of cases, and a lot is an understatement - but we could go back 100 years and still say nothing has changed. It is so heartbreaking. I can only pray for our brothers and sisters fighting this battle for the millionth time. I hope you can make a difference. I hope you are able to stay safe. I hope you come home safely to your loved ones. I hope the world finally understands that your lives matter as much as any other life. 


To the doctors that are trying their best to keep everyone safe - thank you and sorry. Thank you for risking your lives to save ours. Sorry as there are people that are dealing with a much larger pandemic called racism. It breaks my heart that they have to risk their lives in hopes to bring change, in hopes to end violence. I can only pray for good news. 


I know I have no right saying this because everyone is in control of their actions. But I've been scrolling through Twitter and Instagram for too long and want to give a little PSA for everyone raising awareness - Don't discriminate. You are raising your voice and using your platform to spread awareness against racism. Please do not discriminate on how someone else is not raising awareness correctly. Stop pointing fingers at people who are raising their voice for the first time. Stop pointing fingers at those who choose to spread positivity during this time. Stop pointing fingers at celebrities who are putting up IG stories saying #BlackLivesMatter - they are doing their small part (yes they can do a lot more and I truly hope that they do, but think of it this way - thousands of people will see their stories and hopefully want to learn more). Stop pointing fingers at people that were racist before but chose to speak up against racism now.


If someone wants to share a picture of their food or their outfit. Please don't tell them off for being inconsiderate. You don't know what people are going through. If it doesn't affect you, please don't hurt others. If it affects you, just remove yourself from the situation and unfollow them if they really bother you. Now is not the time to hurt people. I cannot say this enough.


And lastly, please stop belittling this movement because you feel that there is another movement that requires attention. The world is in shambles at the moment, there are too many pressing matters that need everyones attention. I'm not saying don't talk about LGBT rights or feminism - however, know your audience, don't belittle one movement, just to bring attention to yours. Everything matters. And right now they matter much more. They aren't saying you don't matter. They are not comparing themselves to you. They are just fighting for their lives so please do not belittle them.  


I can shed tears and write about this forever. No matter how much I lighten my heart, it will remain heavy. Please think before you speak. Please be kind to each other. Please share positivity. Please be helpful.


Please do the best you can to make someone else's life a little better.


If you cannot do that, then please do absolutely nothing.


But for the love of God, do not do anything that can make someone else's life worse.


We're already too broken, please do not break us even more.


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Yes, I am done 'venting'.

Thanks for reading me cry my heart out.

No, I do not feel better.


I apologize if I have offended anyone or hurt anyone (whether it is through this post or in general)


Stay safe, spread kindness and check on your loved ones because no one is doing okay.


Sara Haseeb,

xo


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©2020 Comfort Therapy by Sara Haseeb

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