Chapter 38 - A Letter to my Younger Self
Haven’t I already done this?
It’s a therapeutic process.
I have done a letter to my past self, but that was from my future self to my current self, which in the future would be my past self. Have I confused you already? Good, it’s on brand for me.
Basically, I’ve written piece for 2020 Sara from Future Sara. Telling myself to hang in there, and that we’re strong and will get through this. If you’re interested, you can do some heavy reading here.
I’ve been working on a letter to my younger self but it’s been draining me emotionally every time I think to write. I feel like I always pour out negativity but is that so bad?
I question my writing. I question myself over and over again. Only because I believe that my younger self would want something more upbeat and not depressing. But you know what that is? That's me listening to the babbling of everyone that brought me in my negative mental health space. I have put myself in a position of "oh but you've changed, you're not the same person anymore" - and right now, I'm here to say "it's growth".
Sometimes you gotta be true to yourself, you gotta really sit and think about what you would want to say if you met your younger self. I can’t really give her any advice, but I really feel like I need to talk to her. I need to let go of the burden on my shoulders of "you've changed", and talk about how much I’ve changed and maybe how much I’ve lost myself.
So here goes, a piece from Elder Sara to Younger Sara
Dear Fetus Sara,
We’re off to a great start - I will always refer to you as a fetus because you were literally competing with Jon Snow on knowing nothing in this world. You were such a free spirit, had no care in the world. So oblivious to almost everything. You took life as it came - one day at a time and lived in the moment. You know what you actually were? You were basically the most cringe Tumblr/MySpace page, but the real life version of it. A walking-talking positive quote-making happiness-spreading joyful person.
What the heck happened.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to shame you (or me). Let’s start over.
Younger Sara, I miss you.
I miss the memories we made together. I miss how carefree we were. I miss the fun we were willing to have at any given time of the day. I miss our confidence to walk up to anyone and strike up a conversation. I miss our eagerness to get through a day with at least one adventure. I miss getting to know people through your kind eyes. I miss wanting to hear the worst music possible on repeat because your ears liked them. I miss being a loud personality. I miss being outgoing. I miss being young. I miss you.
Remember when elder people would come up to us saying ‘you’re so young, you’re living the best time of your life right now!’ And we’d hate it? We’d just sit and laugh at them because they didn’t know the struggle of graduating High School. We thought they were foolish enough to sit and tell us tales about how we’re living our prime days.
How I wish I could go back in time and tell you to hold on to your youth Fetus Sara. Don’t get me wrong, at 26, we’re not wrinkling yet, but I feel like our youth is gone. It feels like life has put us through so many tests, we had to grow up and let go of the carefreeness. We had to be careful every step of the way. We had to lose ourself, (not Eminem style).
Now that I look back, I’d do anything to relive one of those days. To spend an evening listening to LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem and dance in our fairylight-lit room. To pull an all nighter, drinking red bull as we stress over a math exam we have in the morning - even though we have the whole testbank to memorize in front of us. To come back home from school and watch the latest episode of Vampire Diaries and crush over Ian Somerhalder (and borderline believing in vampires).
Those were the days Fetus Sara. I can’t stress this enough but thank you for the memories you let me make with you. Thank you for putting me through the what seemed to be the weirdest phase of life but actually turned out to be one of the most memorable phases.
I want you to know that you were indeed living the best time of your life, and you know what? You lived it to the fullest. You never wasted a single day and I loved that about you. You were annoyingly extroverted but that made us the most beautiful memories, so thank you.
Being young was definitely an elite phase of life, as adulting is not what I expected it to be. Turns out you don’t move into a loft with your best friends making Pinterest worthy meals every day. You find yourself constantly stressing about something or the other. You are in a state of stress, anxiety and uncertainty 24/7. You take deep breaths, you are worried to approach people, your confidence has gone downhill, your mental health has gone downhill.. your music choices are.. well.. debatable but your youth.. my love, your youth is gone, and I miss it. I miss you.
Life changes completely. Life doesn’t do a 180. Life does a format and restart, a 360.
Life around you will always change as you grow older. But the way your personality changes hits you right in the feels. Some people are lucky to keep their personalities with them as they grow older. They get to keep a part of them. Others have to let go, sometimes without even saying goodbye. So I guess this is my mini-message and goodbye. Because I had to let go of who I was to become who I am. If that seems confusing, you were part of the crew that kept their personalities. If you understand that statement, I wish you so much strength in finding yourself, because I know the journey is hard.
Just know that I took good care of you,
Your elder self