I did a Q1 & Q2 Performance Review earlier on my blog. I felt a little confident after both, but also a little betrayed by the pandemic and life in general. I walked away feeling semi-hopeful, which turned into hopelessness real quick.
Sara doesn’t take time to take dark turns.
Point is, I didn’t want to write up a Q3 and Q4 review. But I have OCD and I can’t leave things incomplete. Log kya kahenge if they come across this page and don’t find episode 3 and 4 to this mini-series? My parents taught me better, right?
I keep wanting to write something but I have no motivation to write words out. I began this series of doing 2020 quarterly reviews because I was in a place where I wanted to fake it till I made it and be this person who sees the positives in things. I couldn't stop there though, who stops at Q2/Q4. This has been a mini-series on my blog, and the people (me, myself and I) want a finale.
Around the time Q3 had hit, I had lost motivation, hope and all the positive words I knew. So here’s a delayed, ill-formatted, not-very-nice version of a Q3 review - jumbled up with Q4 because the year was ending and we’re all lazy so no ones going to do the best at what they do.
I must confess though, it’s taken me months to write anything, and God knows if it’ll be any good, but I’m glad I’m writing, and glad you’re here - so I hope you find entertainment or something below. Grab yourselves a little snack and get ready to enter my brain.
P.S - say a little prayer
I would like to schedule a meeting with you for our third and fourth quarterly meeting. You missed last quarters meeting due to never responding to any messages anyone ever sends you. Could you please stop ghosting us and acknowledge receipt of this message?
We’re tired of going through our list of challenges, achievements and mistakes - so we just want to have a chat with you and see how you’re doing.
I am confident that you wouldn’t let us down again,
Please acknowledge the receipt of this email,
Why do you have to be so persistent and passive aggressive? I didn’t attend the Q3 meeting because I had no achievements, and didn’t meet any challenges with a positive mindset.
I’m not in the mood to bring myself down further, but if you’re so keen on having a chat - then sure, let’s combine the past 6 months and instead of bringing myself down, lets bury me altogether.
I was tolerating things last time, but now I’m happy to report that I’ve given up on several areas of my life and have chosen to choose myself so nothing you say or do, will harm me (as much as it would).
I was extremely overwhelmed but now I am in a place of zen. It can also be known as denial but will lead to a state of zen because you’ve taught me how to fake it till I make it. So thank you for that 2020.
As much as I don’t appreciate your condescending tone - I will attend this meeting because I feel like it’s my responsibility as a human to let go of the burden my chest carries and dump it into this blog.
Can’t wait to see you one last time,
Sara sits in this meeting room with her mask on, wondering why 2020 has decided to have this meeting in person. She sits there, sanitizing her hands and the table in front of her. She comes across as paranoid and weak, but also as someone who does not care any more. She looks tired, not just as a human but you can tell that her soul is tired. She’s gotten very judgmental towards herself. She’s clearly not doing okay. She’s ready to vent, she’s ready to speak, she’s asked 2020 to stay quiet because she realizes that 2020 hasn’t brought much to the table after asking ‘what are you bringing to the table’ over and over again.
She begins her monologue..
People say 2020 has been a rollercoaster and that 2020 is weird. But they’re wrong because rollercoasters have ups and downs, and there’s always a fun side of being weird. 2020 hasn’t really brought much ups into peoples lives and hasn’t been fun for many.
But for the lack of a better word, I’d say the same - 2020 is weird. Mental health in 2020 is weird. Being a man or a woman in 2020 is tough. Being a Pakistani in 2020 is tough. Being a human in itself is difficult. Tbh, being an animal hasn’t been any better either.
Merely being alive in 2020 has been a struggle - and I don’t say this as a cry for help. In all seriousness, in the middle of a pandemic, we’re barely surviving and doing the best we can to ensure we don’t get a disease that’s being spread across the earth. So when I say just being alive has been a struggle - understand that, and read it again I guess - just being alive is a struggle, and we should be thankful that we have made it this far.
We all come from different backgrounds. We all have our own journeys, we all have our own struggles. So why can’t we sit together and look at one positive - we’re alive. That’s a blessing and a miracle. Millions have lost their lives this year. Families have lost loved ones.
But we are alive?!
We spent a year with a freakin’ pandemic! Talk about sticking around in toxic relationships.
If you walked away from 2020 with less than what you came into 2020 with, please for the love of God, show yourself some compassion. Find it in you to yourself. Trust me you don’t need anyone else to love you if you love yourself. You made it through this year, even if you’re hanging on a thread, you’ve made it and will continue to do so!
We have the opportunity to hold onto our beating hearts and do something better. Whether it’s for ourselves, our families, friends or communities. We need to do better. We’re just little characters in each others little worlds, we’re there to add some happiness, teach some lessons, learn from some mistakes. My point is - we need to choose ourselves over anything - and I know I’m a broken record in each chapter because I keep saying this over and over again - but you’re all you got boo, choose yourself! Don’t choose anyone else. Focus on yourself!
The past couple of months have been rocky. I keep finding myself in positions that I don’t want to be in. So for me to say choose yourself and love yourself is semi(very)-hypocritical. But I can’t just make you read a blog and have you pity me and feel no other emotion. I need to empower you a little too cz that’s what you’ve signed up for, right?
Anyways - I’ve constantly found myself in positions that I don’t want to be in. That’s brought me nothing other than a bucket of anxiety and gallons of depression. I keep trying to remove myself from situations hat bring me the anxiety, but that’s caused me to lose contact with my friends and family. I keep justifying things that I’ve never had to justify before and that’s brought me anger and frustration. So I’m sitting here right now, typing away, wondering how on earth am I in this situation?
Couple months ago, I was very big on self-care, I was on this journey because I knew I had it in me to love myself and do so much better. I knew how important my priorities were for me and self-care was #1. So how have I managed to shift from focusing on myself and my mental health, to being in this rocky rock-bottom-like place? What changed, Sara?
The worst part of it all is that the more I try to focus on myself and my wellbeing now, the more I lose face of the woman I was striving to be. That hurts. I find myself focusing on certain things, but as I do that, I have managed to lose sight of other things that meant the world to me. Again, how have I managed to shift my priorities so drastically? What changed? I’ve had people tell me ‘you’ve changed’ in the past, and that felt like the most painful thing to hear from others. Clearly I didn’t know what pain was. Because I’m sitting here, looking at myself, telling myself that Sara, you’ve changed - and that hurts so much more. Not being able to recognize yourself hurts.
What does one do when they don’t have answers to their own actions? How do you decide whether what you’ve done is right or wrong?
My answer is that you don’t. You don’t need to have these answers, you don’t need to know whether what you’ve done is right or wrong. 2020 has been exceptionally weird, and I’m not looking for excuses to blame my actions on 2020. But it’s brought on severe challenges, and certain actions had to be taken to protect yourself. No matter what you do, protect yourself.
We don’t need the answers to everything, some things just need to be let go. We just need to strive to be the best versions of ourselves, even if it takes us forever to get there. We need to realize what 2020 has been and dig deep to realize that we may be walking out of it with a little (lottle) less than what we came in with, but we’re still walking, and that’s a blessing.
My final thoughts of the year. My takeaway from 2020 is that you will never stop fighting, you will never stop surviving, you will never stop wondering ‘how did I end up in this position’. So all you need to do is protect yourself, protect your sanity, and count your blessings.
Stop adjusting to peoples way of living, stop justifying your way of living.
Reply to messages in 3-4 business days. Reply to other messages in 3-4 weeks.
Do what makes your life easier because doing what makes you happy isn’t necessarily going to be easy. And after this year, I think we all deserve some ease.
Love yourself. Choose yourself. Tell yourself it’s alright if you ended up in a tough situation. Find learnings in your mistakes. Find happiness in your success.
Anyone who disagrees can remain in 2020, the rest of you can step into 2021 with me <3
Happy Graduation from 2020 -
Disconnecting from this space,