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Chapter 46 - Who's to Blame?

So like, hi? How are you? I hope you’re doing better than I am. I missed you. I missed puking my thoughts all over your screen and watching you nod your head in disbelief that you somehow know the girl who’s writing.

How’s the overthinking going? Is it as bad as it’s always been or have you had better days? Why is overthinking still a thing? What happened to not caring about what people have to say and just moving on with life because that’s what you’re supposed to be doing? Or what about not doubting yourself because you really tried to do what was best for everyone else?

Did you see what I did there? I said best for everyone else instead of best for me. Does that mean some things never change?

They really don’t. No matter how hard you try.

Is this enough to be on brand for my weird intros?

Anyway. Why is it that we doubt ourselves to an extent that it’s borderline internally self-harming?

Let me break down what happens. We’re at a time where we’re constantly on the go, never want to sit by ourselves, never want to be alone with our thoughts. We’re so engrossed in people-pleasing that we forget that we require some of that attention too. We work overtime to please others. We get to a stage where we’re constantly walking on eggshells because we don’t want to ever displease or disappoint someone. We doubt ourselves to a point where we scare ourselves into thinking if things aren’t done a certain way, everyone will be upset. We overthink, we get anxious, we go through panic attacks.. but all of that over what? Something so irrelevant, something so minuscule.. but we still do it. We hold ourselves responsible. This responsibility comes with a great burden. A burden on our shoulders, on our chest, it also comes in a form of your throat drying up and lack of O2.

We keep replaying the narrative that if you don’t do things a certain way, people are going to be disappointed in you. If you disappoint people, it will be hard to regain their trust. You will have to make it up to them somehow. But what happens when you’ve exerted all your energy and they don’t even realize you’re apologizing? What happens when you’re going above and beyond but not getting acknowledged or appreciated for the same? Your self-esteem gets buried deep in the ground.

But why? If you’re not going to talk to someone about a problem or openly apologize, your actions of going above and beyond doesn’t really mean anything.. it just comes across as normal. Is this acknowledgment something that you were seeking? That’s a chapter for another day.

In this whole scenario, do you think by any chance you’ve just been overthinking? And blaming yourself for nothing? Do you realize you never had to apologize in the first place? You were never to blame? I mean it’s not a big deal.. you’re only human.

Why do we do this? Am I alone in doing this? I’m really just saying we in this narrative to make myself feel better that I’m not alone.

You know what’s worse? The fact that I’m aware of my self-blaming habits. I think I’m better off being ignorant to the fact that I blame myself for everything that’s happened in my life. Because that way I wouldn’t know whether I’m right or wrong and would just be blaming myself along life. But I know it’s not healthy for me to blame myself for not knowing something I had no control over. The fact that I am aware is so much more difficult because I struggle with self blame as well as acknowledging the blame along with no solution.

But sometimes you're not even looking for a solution. You're just looking for validation. You're looking for a comforting feeling that'll help you understand that it's okay to feel this way sometimes and that it's not the end of the world.

If you have any tips or tricks on how to change mindsets on self blame, I’d be happy to ignore them.

What a way to come back to writing eh?

I missed this, we should do this again soon x



Sara Haseeb


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