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Chapter 47 - Heavy Emptiness

What is a void? Why do we relate it to emptiness? Cz technically speaking, emptiness isn't really emptiness is it? Our feeling of emptiness occupies so much space, it feels heavy, it's such a burden. So how is it really empty if it's heavy?

Have you ever felt like something isn't right? Like somethings missing? You know, a void? Or like a gap in your life. Don't get me wrong, everything can be going great, life feels good, you're doing the things you're supposed to be doing and achieving the things you're supposed to be achieving. But as you do those things, you feel hollow and empty within?

You start thinking of what could be wrong, you take the overthinking into overdrive and go through so many thoughts of 'what if's' and 'maybes'. You spiral so much that you possibly end up forgetting what began your thought process but now you got 80 other problems to look over. You start drowning in the void even more. You were set out to search for the one thing that made you feel this way and now you're piling up all your material. One heavier than the next, wondering where you went horribly wrong.

You feel the heaviness deep in your chest and you feel it taking over your whole mind. My go-to actions when feeling this way is distracting myself. Distracting myself with anything and everything that will keep me from being completely alone with my thoughts. I sit there watching shows, cleaning the house, talking to people - doing anything that will take care of the void.

Is it a lame time to say i like to avoid the void? Come on, it is my blog after all, a little lameness was overdue.

Anyway -

The emptiness does return, no matter how much I try to avoid the void, it remains unavoidable. When the distractions are over and you're tucked into bed, late at night, the void creeps up on you and wraps you up like a warm blanket. And you know what you do? You give in. You give in to the darkness and the warmth it provides. You let your mind wander and let it take over your mind. Technically, emptiness is an emotional state which to be fair, we are not able to walk away from.

This void really demands all the strength within you. It makes you feel like a worthless dried out water spring. It feels as if there's something missing in life. But maybe it's the lack of emotional validation? We don't ever emotionally validate our feelings. Especially not the negative ones whether they stem from anxiety, depression, feeling upset, sadness - none of those feelings are ever validated. Instead, they're quick to be shunned and bottled up. The void is the state we are not willing to be in. So the constant neglect turns into a void and we become numb to our own emotions, and maybe even others emotions. And we carry this heavy baggage of emptiness with us.

So what are we supposed to do? I'm not really sure. We don't necessary have to connect with the feeling of emptiness. We know and are aware of the things we do throughout the day along with what is required from us. So we don't need to hold on to the heavy material and figure out how to dissect it. You will always have moments of emptiness but I guess you gotta work on healing yourself, forgiving yourself and bringing value to your own life. Appreciate the little things around you. Don't go searching for something as bright as the sun to escape the darkness. Sit with a candle and appreciate the smaller things.

At the same time, don't push the darkness away. Because it never goes away. You need to sit with the darkness sometimes. You need to take the time you need to heal yourself from whatever causes the emptiness. Don't criticize yourself for feeling a certain way. It's okay to have a heavy chest, it's okay to constantly take deep breaths and not know what's happening.

The only advice I'm capable of giving is that you can't fill up the void through anything external, it has to be internal. It's up to you how you choose to fill your voids. It takes quite a bit of time to unpack our emotional baggage to figure out what's wrong, but hey, it's a trip we gotta take sometimes.

More power to everyone out there trying to heal from their pasts,




Sara Haseeb


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