That's a tough one, isn't it? This blog seems like a little tough one too. I'm writing this at 2am when i'm meant to be sleeping - this sentence is only meant to try to express my level of vulnerability. There's so many ways of being vulnerable, and to be fair, that's not a bad thing, but it becomes difficult when you are known for your strength and misinterpret your vulnerability as weakness.
Being vulnerable in no way means that you are weak. Being vulnerable literally means to be in a state of emotional exposure that comes with a certain degree of uncertainty. It involves a persons willingness to accept the emotional risk that comes from being open and willing to love and be loved. So literally, if you're vulnerable, you're actually stronger and much braver than many people. So why do we perceive ourselves as weak when we show vulnerability?
As I've mentioned before, when we're not doing so well in life, we tend to keep ourselves occupied because we don't want to be left alone with our emptiness or thoughts. That is 100% me. I love to keep myself occupied, I am scared of being alone because I'm worried about how much I can fill my brain with toxicity. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells, but it's odd because no one is forcing me to walk on them. It's just me, beating myself up for setting unrealistic expectations (for myself). Seems like there would be a simple solution to this: be kind to yourself - but I ain't an easy gal. Love challenges *insert tongue out crazy psycho emoji*
And due to this, I end up in a position where I'm willing to get just 1% of attention to be able to give 101% of myself. All because I refuse to focus on myself. Which isn't good. So like ya'll don't follow my footsteps.
But what happens when that 1% doesn't come through?
Disclaimer - I might change the narrative from 'I' to 'We' because I don't wna seem like I'm alone in feeling this way, ty xo
What happens when we text someone and they don't respond? Or we post a picture and don't get enough likes? Or when your significant other is acting 0.5% different than they used to?
We begin self-blaming.
Let's take the first one as an example - We text someone and reach out to them. And we stare at our phones going from double tick, to blue tick, to the persons status going from online to offline. And we realize they aren't going to respond right now. We add to the emptiness we had within us because we think we had a moment of weakness where we reached out to people and shared something mildly intimate with them about how we felt. And instantly started making up scenarios about how we’re small, worthless beings and how other people may be busy because they are important whereas we are not important. We self-blame and lead ourselves to believing that we are not worthy of anyones attention.
That's a stressful and a completely uncalled for situation to be in - again, this is vulnerability, not weakness. This is also a big chunk of unkindness but more so vulnerability.
And then a couple days pass and you're completely regretting sending that message, you regret reaching out, you go through all stages of overthinking and watch it slam you in the face because you're not really thought about or wanted.
Then a notification comes, 1 unread message, "sorry just seen this", when you get that, everything’s forgiven. You’re replying as if you weren’t even bothered. You’re giving more than you should. Why do we do that? I’m not even exaggerating when I say there have been at least 2-3 instances IN A DAY where I think “why did I send that”. And that feeling sticks with me till a reply comes through and then I send another cringy reply to which I’m not going to be replied to for a week and wonder why I even put myself through the torture.
This is a separate issue on its own - the whole reaching out to people that may be too busy to get back to you - emotionally, I've gotten over the fact that I may always just be the one to reach out and keep in touch with people. The thing that is wrecking my brain at the moment is the effect my vulnerability has on my day-to-day life.
I find myself walking on eggshells doing daily tasks. I give myself a list of tasks to do because that is what is expected of me as a housewife. I find myself being guilty if I turn the TV on before a certain time of the day because I shouldn't be relaxing while my husband is off working. I keep busy till I deem myself to have worked enough to earn a break. At this stage, I have convinced myself that the people that are actively a part of my life will treat me the same way as the people that are inactive in my life if I don't latch on to 1% of attention I am given. All because of how someone who is not actively a part of my life is choosing to treat me? Nah fam, I am in the wrong, and I know it, yet I am gullible enough to make excuses for everyone and put myself down.
My takeaway from the above example: You should never let anyone, not your parent, not your partner, not your therapist, not your cat - NO ONE should decide how you should be treated. You decide how you should be treated. You set the standards that others need to follow because you are worthy of everything and more!
Again, not healthy and not normal. As I write this blog, I am learning that there is a VERY FINE LINE between being vulnerable and being stupid. And I am leaning more towards the stupid because I am not believing in myself.
You know what else the issue is? You can't openly or bravely be vulnerable with others if you are not vulnerable and open with yourself. And my flaw is that I am not kind with myself (I promise you the next chapter is going to be on how to erase unkind habits because that's all I'm going to read about for the next couple of days). But you gotta be kinder to yourself. I always say treat yourself like you'd treat your friends, and I've been pretty bad at doing that - however, a very near and dear human told me that I should treat myself better than I treat my friends.
So maybe that's my new motto now. "Treat yourself better than you'd treat your loved ones. You deserve the world."
And with that, I'd like to also advise that keep people those people close to you that make you realize that you matter. It's very easy to slip into a negative thought and let it build its empire in your mind. But keep people around that will remind you that you matter. Don't push people away, but also, if you don't have people, just appreciate those at home. Your brother, your sister, your parents, talk to anyone that is willing to listen because times like this, you just need to let the feeling off your chest and begin focusing on yourself.
And lastly - remember that it's vulnerability NOT A WEAKNESS. I care, I love, I pour my all into any relationship or task. I am not weak. I am not unimportant or unworthy. I am needed, I am loved, I am appreciated. I am strong.
Thank you for letting me write in my blog. Thank you for reading my blog. These kind of posts are very hard to write because they come straight from the heart. The mind is too foggy with negative thoughts and toxic fumes. My forms of therapy or coping with my anxiety, overthinking, depression etc. is usually writing in a journal, and if that doesn't sit right with me, I open up my laptop and begin writing. I always hope that as I am writing, I find some sense of solution or healing. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I always keep going in hopes that my blogs reach someone who can relate to it and feel like they're not alone in this. We can be alone together. Just remember, it's a tough day, not a tough life!