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Chapter 8 - I am not okay, but that is okay

Updated: Jun 13, 2020

My inspiration to write this current chapter is my last chapter. I do not know how to overcome my last chapter. Did I mean top my last chapter? No. I don't think any chapter I write would top my chapter about my best friend. I did mean overcome. I've not made my peace with the fact that my best friend is now gone. I've also not gotten used to the fact that I can't just pick up the phone and call her about silly things.. and that's very difficult. 

It is currently 3am, 20th October 2018. I am not able to fall asleep. Mostly, because today has been a really hectic day and a major roller coaster. You know when a lot happens in a day and you just want to pick up the phone and turn to a friend and let it all out? And you know once you let it out it'll all be okay and you can continue doing what you're meant to do? Well I was in that situation couple hours ago, where I just needed to call a friend and complain. So, I picked up the phone, said 'Hey Siri, Call Amna' and Siri said, "Which Amna would you like to call?", listing the 2 Amna's I have in my phone, of which only one would have picked up.. 

Take a deep breath, it's fine. We'll be okay. 

The only emotion I can associate to at the moment is heartbroken or depression. I feel like I want to talk about depression, but I don't want to upset anyone who may come across this. I don't want to come across insensitive either. I also don't want anyone to feel like they're not doing enough to help me at the minute. But maybe that is why I want to write about how I feel. Because through this I'll learn and as we know, through writing, I'll cope. It's okay to feel this way right? Even though I have so much to do? It's okay to press pause on everything for a little while and just miss your friend. 

Depression is a common mood disorder. Often thrown around lightly, but should be taken very seriously. It's quite common in young adults, but also common among those that are going through a mid-life crisis. It's just an emotion that's always available, regardless of how you feel about it. There's a stage where one is just sad because life gets difficult and things get annoying. But that's just being sad. Being depressed begins when your thought process changes towards things. You start feeling hopeless, helpless, worthless and a lot less of all other positive things.

I feel very hopeless. 

I'm too flustered and all over the place. I don't know when to keep my emotions in or when to display them. I am too afraid I'll say too much so I end up saying too less. Mostly because I don't know what benefit my words will have. Will it get better? I'd say I hope, but I'm tired of saying that.. 

I feel helpless.

I know what happened, happened for a reason. I know we all have our destinies written at the time of birth, so I know this was inevitable. But I can't help but question was it really? You can save something bad from happening right? I mean if you stand in the middle of a highway, you're bound to die. But if you take precautions, you can end up crossing the same highway alive. Why would doctors not tend to a patient. Forever be my question. 

I feel worthless.

I am beyond thankful to have people in my life that I can reach out to. But I can't help but feel worthless for not being able to extend the same support to my friends family. I am not in the right state of mind to be helping others cope. I probably shouldn't take so long in grieving, but this grieving might be long-term, might be permanent. 

It's difficult. 

It's really difficult. 

Life got really hard and all people say is that it gets better. 

I know it gets better. 

I've been in the same situation before, not once or twice, but several times. 

I have lost a lot of people close to me due to various reasons. Somehow, I managed to cope, I managed to grieve and move on. Each time, I reflected on the past ones and told myself, you got through that, you can get through this. Look back at the memories, smile with lots of love and move on. I can't seem to remember how I did it before anymore. It's hit me really hard this time and it's broken my heart in so many pieces that I'm sure I'll have a couple missing pieces when putting it back together. 

I am really grateful that people reach out to me to ensure I am okay. They don't even talk about this in particular, they'll just hear me out, and how I feel, and then just let me be me. I guess that's what I need. Attentive listeners, hence why I'm writing. You're obliged to read my dramatic emotions that are going through my mind at 3am.

I'm healthy, I'm eating well and I am not clinically depressed. I have a few symptoms, but we'll be alright. Everyone just go give someone you love a big hug. Stay in there for a couple of minutes. Tell them you love them. Remind them how important they are to you. Cherish them. 

Make every moment count, because you might not get a tomorrow. That's what I have to live with and I am not okay, but that's okay. 

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