Updated: Jun 13, 2020
"Ugh, another sad chapter? Sara we're seriously sick of this attitude. What is this behavior?"
Sorry guys. 2am. Raw, real-talk. No dramatics, no scenario. From Sara to you. It needed to be done.
I started this chapter off by calling it Grieving (the name was TBA, I fill out content first and then figure out what to call it). Anyways, I was doing that because I wanted to talk about my experiences with grieving, how I've managed to move forward and how I'm doing now. I decided to write about it because a friends grandfather passed away (may he rest in peace), and I was told 'you're good at this' - which I translated into 'you're good at grieving or giving advice on it'. Boosted my own ego with the self-translation and I began writing like I'm Jane from the TV show.
And then reality hit me because grieving doesn't work that way. As nice as it seems in writing where you have bullet points and to do lists to keep your sanity in check, you don't have a set process. There is no way that you get through grieving. If anyone tells you that, they're probably lying. Everyone always says 'you'll get through it, hope you stay strong' - truth is, you gotta hope you have that strength in you till the day you die, because there is no moving on, there's only moving forward. I would also like to point out that I didn't need a therapists help to understand the term moving forward. It's something I've realized on my own and I couldn't be more proud of myself.
So I began writing this 2 days ago, but I decided to scrap all of it because I'm not an expert on preaching how to grieve. I'm also not an expert on going through the process of grieving, so I shouldn't be preaching at all. The content (which is now in my drafts - to be published later if deemed worthy when I am more emotionally stable) brought me to tears and broke my heart because it reminded me of what I don't have in my life anymore. It crushed me because, as well as my process was in writing, not an hour went by in the past 48 hours where I didn't think of the ones that are not there anymore. I even had a few 'Hey Siri, Call ____" moments. *deep breaths* it's tough.
Not gna lie though, the content was pretty solid but it honestly wouldn't do justice to how I have dealt with grief. It's soul crushing, this whole 'moving forward' thing. Mainly because you have no idea what is to come. It's the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen, not knowing how you will be, not knowing if you will ever make similar memories, questioning if you will be as happy.
Moving forward comes with a lot of uncertainty which is why I think we choose to stick around the past and the present. We hang out with our memories, we hold on to the pain, we cherish the pictures, and we stand our ground. We stand our ground because we don't want to take that step to move forward. At least not without the ones we've lost.
For so long, I wouldn't choose to move forward, because that meant making new memories without those that are gone. I would think moving forward is the same as moving on. Which meant not looking back. This is mainly because I have trouble processing my emotions. To me, if I'm moving on, I'm probably not looking back because there's only so many emotions I can deal with. But over the years, over the grief, over the pain, I've learned that you don't have to move on but you have to move forward because life goes on. You can't be hanging around in one spot when everyone is getting ahead of you. You need to sorta keep up with the rest of the world and move forward. While you're doing that, you take your time with the 'moving on' bit.
I've been trying to apply the moving forward thing to everything in life for the past couple of years. Please note that I said I've been trying, I haven't said that I've been succeeding. Anyways, my point is, you don't just have to be grieving to move forward. Sometimes many things hold you back and don't let you live. Sometimes you feel guilty because you know you need to move forward but you think it's too soon and you just decide to stay back. You know, stuck in the past type thing? You're going to suffocate. Take that step, cherish the memories, let go of the pain, smile a little when you say their name and think fondly of the ones that have left (permanently and the ones still roaming this earth).
Move forward my loves ♥